Talking about death and loss is one of the hardest conversations to have. It’s uncomfortable! Many of us don't know what to say or how to say it, so we stay quiet out of fear that we might unintentionally cause more pain to the grieving person. Yet, saying the right thing can genuinely comfort someone navigating grief. This blog is for anyone who’s struggled to support a grieving friend, family member, or colleague.
Having recently lost my mother in February, I’ve had first-hand experience with the discomfort and uncertainty people feel when trying to find the right words. I also discovered the importance of having an estate plan in place. It’s extremely important to have conversations about end-of-life and legacy wishes with your family members and loved ones before it’s too late.
What should I say to someone who is grieving?
Some common phrases offered to grieving individuals may seem well-meaning on the surface, but they can cause unintended harm. Here are a few examples of what not to say, and what to say instead.
1. Instead of “Call me if you need anything.”
These words may sound caring and genuine; however, saying this puts the burden completely on the grieving person. She/he already has so much on their mind that they may not know what help they need. This adds another item to their seemingly never-ending To-Do List. And, despite your offer, they could feel uncomfortable asking for assistance.
Try to offer a specific way to help,
Instead of a generic offer of assistance, offer to help in a specific way based on your relationship and strengths. “I’m going to take your trash and recycle bins to the curb every week, so you don’t have to think about it.” Or “I can pick you up for the yoga class we do together, and we can grab lunch after.” Plan a time and be specific about how you can help so the grieving person doesn’t need to think about it.
Why this works
Grieving individuals are overwhelmed and mentally foggy. Your specific offer for help removes the logistical burden from the grieving person and replaces a vague offer with a clear, actionable gesture of support. It reaffirms that you’re not just offering help out of obligation. It also communicates that you’ve thought about their needs and are ready to show up, without requiring them to ask.
2. Instead of "It’s an inevitable part of life.”
Saying that death is an inevitable part of life can feel cold and dismissive, even if it’s meant to be comforting. And truthfully, when people said this to me, it never felt supportive or helpful at all.
Try to acknowledge pain with honesty,
Yes, death is inevitable, but it’s also deeply emotional. Acknowledge the person’s pain with sayings such as "Death is a part of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier to go through." Or "Even when we know it’s coming, the death of a loved one still hurts deeply."
Why this works
Your sentiment can validate the person’s feelings and show empathy. You also avoid minimizing or dismissing their grief by implying that they should just accept it as a natural part of life.
3. Instead of “I know exactly how you feel.”
This statement intends to be empathetic, but it can feel invalidating. It centers you, not them. The grieving person might feel like their pain is being boxed into someone else’s experience. No two losses are the same, even if the situations seem similar.
Try briefly sharing your own story (key word here…brief)
Sharing a specific memory of your lost loved one or how you approached your grief can help the person remember that they’re not alone. “When I lost my dad, I remember how hard mornings were for a while. One thing that helped me was going for short walks, even when I didn’t feel like it. I’m here if you ever want to talk or try something like that together.”
Why this works
Sharing your story of loss is vulnerable without being invasive. You’re offering a part of your story, not imposing it. This also invites connection. Instead of assuming sameness, it builds a bridge through shared humanity.
4. Instead of "You need to stay strong for others."
Grief isn’t something to be hidden or held back for the sake of appearances for others. It is something to be felt, expressed, and honored. Telling someone to “be strong” often leads to emotional suppression, which can delay healing. It also isolates them, forcing internal silence when they may need support the most.
Try a more compassionate approach,
This is a time for someone’s community to be their strength. “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. You don’t have to hold it all together.” Or “You’ve been through so much, please be gentle with yourself.”
Why this works
Grieving people often feel like they need to “keep it together” for the sake of family, children, or social expectations. These kinds of messages validate their emotions and make it clear they’re allowed to feel sadness, anger, and even numbness. You’re affirming their right to feel however they feel, which reduces pressure, guilt, and internal conflict.
Why these phrases matter
The common thread in all these suggestions is empathy. Rather than imposing assumptions or trying to “fix” their pain, these responses demonstrate genuine care and willingness to provide emotional or practical support. Empathy is more about being present than saying the perfect thing.
A New Way to See It: Estate Planning as an Act of Love
When we lose someone we love, the grief alone can feel like more than we can carry. Having to guess what a recently lost loved one would have wanted can feel overwhelming. While estate planning conversations might feel uncomfortable, they are acts of love and care. Planning ahead isn’t about being morbid; it’s about ensuring that those we leave behind can focus on healing, rather than dealing with paperwork or making difficult decisions.
Why Plan Ahead?
It’s never too early to start these conversations. Estate planning and similar discussions aren’t just for the elderly; they’re about creating peace of mind for yourself and your family.
Conversation Starter Ideas with loved ones
One hurdle families face is not knowing how to begin a conversation about end-of-life and estate planning.
Try these:
“Just like we plan for college, vacations, and weddings, I think it’s important to plan for my end-of-life wishes too. It’s a way of making sure you’re cared for and not left with big decisions in a stressful moment.”
“I read that one of the greatest burdens for families is when a loved one hasn’t planned ahead. It made me think—maybe we should talk about our wishes as a family, so no one feels unsure or disagrees later.”
“I know it’s not easy to think about, but I’d feel better knowing I’ve shared my wishes with you. That way, you’ll never have to wonder or worry if you’re doing the right thing.”
Take the First Step Today
Grief can leave loved ones navigating financial decisions they never anticipated. That’s why we believe estate planning isn’t just a legal task; it’s a compassionate step in caring for your family’s future.
At Sachetta, we don’t have Estate Planning Attorneys on staff, but we partner closely with several trusted local attorneys. Suppose you already have an estate planning attorney. In that case, we’re happy to collaborate with them as part of our holistic wealth management approach to help ensure everything aligns with your financial goals and legacy wishes. If you're looking for someone to take a full-picture look at your financial life—investments, taxes, planning, and beyond—we’re here for that conversation.
Contact us today to learn how we can support your planning journey with clarity and compassion.
Hanna joined the team in 2022 as a full-time employee, assisting clients when they call or come into the office. She works closely with our Director of Strategic Growth to drive marketing initiatives. She also helps out with various administrative and marketing projects around the office. Hanna has a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications from Keene State College.