This article shares practical ways for talking to adult children about inheritance—starting with values, roles, and where key documents live, then building toward estate plan structures and sensitive topics over a few short meetings. You’ll also find sample language for your first meeting, ideas for handling tricky family dynamics such as unequal inheritance, and gentle on-ramps if you’re not sure what feels comfortable yet.
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According to a Fidelity study, about three-quarters of millionaires want to spend more time discussing finances with their adult children, and about half want their advisors to support those conversations. We’re here to help! Yes, your estate documents matter. In addition, it can be meaningful to set clear expectations, share your values, and communicate with your children through conversation.
What if we’re not ready to talk about money with our adult children yet?
That’s okay. Every family moves at its own pace. If you’re not ready to discuss end-of-life choices or share financial details, start with what feels comfortable; perhaps your values, the names of your estate planning attorney and financial planner, and where essential documents are stored. Small steps build trust and momentum; the deeper conversations can come later when the time feels right. Eventually, your family will be “in the know.” You get to control whether this happens while you are still alive.
What should we agree on as a couple before talking to our adult children about inheritance?
Before meeting with your kids about inheritance financial planning, spouses should consider aligning on scope (how much detail), intent (what you want your wealth to do), and boundaries (what stays private).
Questions to discuss together, before discussing with children:
- What’s our goal for having these conversations with our children?
- How transparent do we want to be about the amounts and structure of inheritance (e.g., “held in trust until XX age,” “lifetime income,” “charitable share”)?
- Which decisions might feel sensitive (unequal bequests, business succession, caregiving recognition)? Consider explaining the why, so there are no misinterpretations.
- Who acts if we’re incapacitated (financial power of attorney, healthcare proxy)? Are they aware that they are slated for these roles? Do those people know what’s expected?
- Are we feeling ready to disclose our end-of-life decisions? Will this be a sensitive topic to some/all of the kids?
A practical barometer: clarity without oversharing. Many families start with a high-level net worth overview (home, retirement accounts, insurance, business interests) and explain the structure and purpose before sharing precise figures. If it feels most comfortable keeping the actual dollar amounts private, consider explaining your finances with percentages.
Quick context on Wills: While only 32% of Americans have a Will, 71% of millionaires say they have one. For families like yours, the gap typically isn’t having a Will—it’s keeping everything coordinated, current, and communicated. The best laid estate plans can easily fall apart without active/ongoing coordination across all of your investments.
How can we make the first conversation about inheritance clear, calm, and productive?
If you put too much pressure on yourself or set expectations too high for the family meeting, you may never feel ready to host it at all. If you think of the meeting as the first in a series, that might take the weight off. Consider inviting your financial advisor as a neutral facilitator.
A simple agenda for meeting #1
- Purpose: Share your intentions and goals for starting conversations with your children about their inheritance. A simple statement like, “We want to make things easier for you one day,” or “We want you to understand our decisions to prevent speculation or hard feelings later” sets a calm, collaborative tone.
- Values & intent: Explain what wealth is for in your family—security, education, philanthropy, or a cushion for life’s surprises. Framing the “why” first helps your children understand later decisions about structure, timing, and any guardrails put in place.
- Roles: Let everyone know who you’ve chosen for key roles and why (Executor, Trustee, Health Care Proxy holder, and Financial Power of Attorney) and what those roles generally involve, so there’s no guesswork.
- Who to call: Tell your children where documents, passwords and assets are located and who to call when it’s time (financial advisor, attorney). You don’t need to disclose account numbers—just what exists, where to find it, and how to reach your key contacts who can help facilitate the estate administration.
- What’s next: Set expectations for future family meeting topics (perhaps end-of-life wishes). Additionally, your children may have questions you may not be ready to answer on the spot. Those can become topics to address in a future meeting. Agree on any follow-ups and celebrate completing a courageous act for your family!
Which sensitive scenarios should we address early?
It helps to surface sensitive scenarios early on in the process. Framing them around your values keeps the focus on care, not comparison.
- Unequal inheritances: Fair doesn’t always mean equal when it comes to money, caregiving, family business involvement, etc. Explain your thinking with empathy.
- Family business: Decide who wants in (and who doesn’t), leadership, buy/sell terms, and how nonparticipating heirs will be treated. Start early—continuity is a process, not simply a paragraph in your Will.
- Adult child divorce possibility: Plan for the possibility that a child could divorce. Consider keeping inheritances in a well-structured trust, avoid commingling with marital assets, and be clear about your intent so the money is treated as separate property.
- New marriage and stepchildren: If there’s a new spouse or children from a prior relationship, spell out who is provided for, when, and how. Be transparent about your reasoning to reduce resentment.
A clear plan, explained with empathy, turns these pressure points into shared expectations, which protects relationships now and your legacy later.
Should we include end-of-life wishes in inheritance conversations?
Estate conversations often include end-of-life decisions, but they don’t have to. If that topic feels too hard right now, begin with what you are ready to discuss, and come back to end-of-life choices later. When you’re ready, keep it simple. State your choice, then note the document that supports it.
- Who decides if we can’t: Who we’ve named to speak for us, and why, noted in our Health Care Proxy (medical) and Financial Power of Attorney (financial).
- What “good care” looks like: Our preferences for care at home, assisted living, or hospice (captured in our advance directive).
- How we feel about life-sustaining treatments: Our big-picture wishes for medical treatment and comfort care (in the advance directive).
- Who to keep in the loop regarding medical conditions: Who gets updates and how (supported by a HIPAA release).
- How we would like to be remembered: Tone and any traditions for a service or celebration (kept in our documents, not in the Will).
- Where everything is: Where to find documents and contacts (stored in one easy-to-access place).
As you build a rhythm of short, respectful meetings about your legacy, you may grow ready to cover end-of-life choices. By then, the family dynamic will be ready for you to be more open.
Let’s co-host your first family meeting. We’ll help you set the agenda, clarify roles, and ensure everyone leaves with the right information—no judgment, just steady guidance. We’re ready when you are. Give us a call.
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FAQs:
When talking to adult children about inheritance, do we need to share exact numbers?
No—begin with purpose, roles, and where to find things; if numbers help later, use ranges or scenarios instead of a line-by-line ledger.
How should we structure the first meeting when talking to our adult children about inheritance?
Keep it short and clear: purpose, values, roles, where documents live, high-level “how assets pass,” and what’s next.
How do we explain unequal bequests when talking to adult children about inheritance?
Lead with values and the “why,” be empathetic, and use structures (often trusts) to support fairness—even when it isn’t equal.
What sensitive scenarios should we address early when talking to adult children about inheritance?
Empathetically surface potential pressure points early: unequal inheritances, family business participation and buy/sell terms, divorce, and new marriage or stepchildren.
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About the Author
Jeffrey Aron manages all aspects of Financial Planning and client services, including the preparation of comprehensive financial plans (retirement, education, cash flow, etc.), insurance and asset allocation recommendations, advanced estate planning strategies and of course, plan implementation. He specializes in servicing the unique planning needs of high-net-worth individuals and families, with a depth of experience covering all aspects of financial and estate planning.